My Testimony

Before I became a Christian, there was a period of time in my life in which I was bi-sexual.  I believe that the devil assigned the sexual identity demon to me at a very young age because as a little boy, I loved to comb the hair on a Barbie doll.  But, I did not express any feminine qualities.  My mother had to hide the doll from me.  Also, as a child and as a young adult, I was insecure and had very low self-esteem.  I had trouble fitting in and I felt like I did not measure up. 

I had issues with women of my own ethnic background.  In the African American community in the United States, there is a commonly held belief that all African American men are physically strong, tough and aggressive.  As a boy, I believed I wasn’t the strong, tough and aggressive man my community expected me to be.  So, I grew up feeling insecure and ashamed.  I believed I was not good enough to date a woman in the African American community.  I eventually became deeply frustrated with not measuring up to these expectations.

Since I felt that I was not strong, tough and aggressive enough, I could enjoy sex with an African American woman.  But, I felt uncomfortable with her as a person.  I felt like she was sizing me up and comparing me to other African American men.  I later came to understand that most of these women were not doing that.  It was just my own insecurities making me think that they were doing that.  I grew to the point in which I started hating African American women.  I started dating women of other races exclusively.   I preferred Caucasian (white) women.   When I was with a Caucasian woman, I did not feel the pressure to be strong, tough and aggressive.  I felt that she liked me the way I was. 

I became so obsessed with Caucasian women that I would do anything to be with one.  I discovered that there are Caucasian women who fantasize about having sex with African American men because of the belief that African American men have the largest penises.  Many of these women are married to or are in long term relationships with Caucasian men.  But, they desire to have sex with African American men.  Some of their husbands and boyfriends will allow them to fulfill their fantasies.  So, I would put ads in swinger’s magazines seeking Caucasian couples.  I would meet these couples and have sex with the woman while her husband watched, took pictures/videotaped, or joined in.   I was bi-sexual at the time I was swinging with couples.  But, I was not interested in having sex with the husband or boyfriend.  I only wanted the Caucasian woman.

I thought that such a rendezvous would be an awesome experience.  But, these experiences were actually the lowest points of my sinful sexcapades.  Most, if not all, of the couples I was with really loved each other.  They agreed to the rendezvous with me to fulfill the fantasy of their mate or to re-ignite the flame in their relationship.  When I saw how much they loved each other, I realized that I was just a tool they were using to solidify their own relationship.  I felt so disgusted because I wanted a loving relationship like the one they had.  But, I was so broken and confused that I could not experience the type of love they had.             

My obsession with Caucasian women caused me to get into trouble with the law.  I was arrested 3 times for soliciting a prostitute.  Each of the prostitutes I was arrested for soliciting was Caucasian.

I am not against interracial dating and marriage.  I have seen many happy and healthy interracial relationships and marriages.  I support them 100%.  But, I do believe that when a person dates or marries someone of another race, that person should have the right motive.  I dated Caucasian women for the wrong reason:  because of my insecurities which caused me to hate women of my own race.  Please do not date interracially for the reasons I did because when a person hate his own people, that is a form of self-hatred. 

In 1984, when I was 16 years old, my feelings of not measuring up and wanting acceptance were driving me to look to men for sex.  I wanted to know if I would feel accepted when having sex with a man.  So, I propositioned a man in our neighborhood who everyone knew was gay.  Initially, I did not enjoy being touched by a man.  But, I did not feel afraid, I did not feel like I did not measure up, and I did feel accepted by him.  I discovered that when I was sexual with a man, I did not have to pretend to be something other than my true self.  I was drawn in by this feeling of acceptance.  For the next 7 years (1984 to 1991), I continued to have unfulfilling sex with men.

There is an ole saying “if you play with fire, you will get burned.”  Homosexuality is a demonic spirit.  If a person allows this demonic spirit to stay in his/her life too long, this spirit jumps into the person’s soul and take control of the person.  This is what happened to me.  In 1991, a change took place within me.  When I started law school in Florida in August 1991, I noticed for the first time that I desired men.  For the next 6 years, I enjoyed having sex with men.  My behavior worsened.  I would go to gay whore strolls and parks where gay and bi-sexual men are known to congregate.  Men drive around these areas looking for other men to have sex with.  Some men walk around with an erect penis.  They usually wear a cock ring which pushes their penis and testicles out and cause them to look bigger than they are; and they wear tight pants or shorts which display their penis and testicles.  I would pick up men and have sex with them. 

I would also go to gay strip clubs to pick up men and to watch men strip dance.  I would go to adult book stores where I would masturbate while watching gay pornographic videos.  At these adult book stores, there are men roaming around in the back where the video booths are.  Some of these men are prostitutes.  All of the men, including me, were looking for other men to have sexual encounters with.  My actions covered the entire gamut of a homosexual lifestyle.  Believe me when I say I met men from all walks of life, including men with wives, girlfriends and children.  Most of the family men had such a masculine, macho and heterosexual look to them that one would never think that they were having sex with other men.  So, before you stand in judgment of me, you need to pray about your husband, boyfriend, son, nephew, uncle or friend.  Unless you are with these men 24 hours a day or unless God reveals their whereabouts and behavior to you, you don’t know what they are doing.  During the 6 year period that I was enjoying sex of men, there were times when I desired to be with only a woman, there were times when I desired to be with only a man and there were times when I wanted to be with both.  My sin was so deep and I was so promiscuous that it is only by the grace of God that I did not get HIV, AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases.

When God saved me in December 1997, he took away my desires for men.  I have not been with a man ever since.  Shortly after I became a Christian, I would fast and pray so much and get so deep in the presence of God that I could feel my desire for African American women coming back.  This is when I discovered that my passion for Caucasian women was wrong.  I am married so I do not look at other women.  But, during my time as a single Christian, I developed the ability to see every woman as an individual.  It no longer mattered to me what ethnic background a woman was from.  I learned how to love a woman because of the individual person she is and because I see the glory of God in her. 

I UNDERSTAND THE SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT SOME PEOPLE FEEL

I understand the shame some people feel concerning sexual identity issues.  This is not an easy
subject to talk about.  I started doing street ministry 1½ years after I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior.  I initially avoided the areas where homosexuals, transvestites and transsexuals are known to congregate.  I decided that I did not want to be linked with those people and I did
not want to be reminded of what I use to do.  Who am I to refer to them as “those people” when I use to be one of them and but for the grace of God, I would still be one of them?  God soon gave me the courage to talk to people on-on-one.  It took me an additional 6 years to gather up the courage to speak to a group or a church congregation about my past involvement in the homosexual lifestyle.  I am so glad that Jesus Christ loved me enough to stop me, save me and cleanse my life.  There are people who want Jesus to deliver them and there are people who may not know Jesus but they want to get out of this life style if they can. This is why it is so important for those who have been delivered from homosexuality, cross dressing and the desire to become the opposite sex to testify blatantly about our experiences and the changes that Christ has made in our lives. These people need to hear our testimonies.

HOMOSEXUALITY CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE

Don’t be fooled by a person’s family environment, actions or even participation in a Christian church. I grew up in a Christian home. I was raised in traditional Bible thumping, hand clapping, foot stomping, speaking in tongues Holiness Church. I had strong moral values instilled within me. I was never into many of the negative activities that most children and young adults in my neighborhood were involved in such as: illegal drugs, other criminal activity and rebellion against authority. I went immediately from high school to college and continued directly on to law school. After I finished law school I worked diligently to maintain a conservative, straight and narrow image for my family, friends and church community. I have always been attracted to women and yet it still happened to me.